Sunday, November 15, 2009

Happiness in a Little Red Box

What could be more exciting than watching a first run blockbuster feature action movie? Is there anything as wonderful as the special effects of stars flying at you in Star Trek or semi trucks turning in to robots in Transformers. Is there? Yes there is.. I can name this awsomeness in 2 word (one if I hyphenate) Red-Box.
Redbox is more than just a DVD rental system. Redbox is how we can identify and define the intelligence of an entire neighborhood. All for just a buck.

You've heard of White Trash, Trailer Trash and in our neighborhood bicycle punks (and scooter thieves). The new plague of the neighborhood is RBI or Redbox Idiots.

The RBI have one common goal and that goal is to annoy anybody who is standing by, driving by or even thinking of renting from the Redbox.

One RBI's name was Jesse. How do I know this? Because this RBI's old lady was screaming from the minivan "Jesse get Land of the Lost" Jesse turns around and yells back "I'm loooking for it shut up" Jesse is reading every description of every movie and his old lady again yells "Jesse get Land of the Lost" He turns around and explains "I don't think it's out yet, I don't see it on the screen, shut up will you". Jesse continues to read out loud the descriptions and from the van we hear "Jesse get Land of the Lost". Me and the nine other people who are now behind Jesse in line yell back at Jesse's "lady" SHUT UP. Finally a RBI in line helps Jesse by explaining to him that just because the movie has a little picture on the side it doesn't mean it is in this particular redbox. Thank you because Jesse was never going to figure this one out. I helpfully explain that when I was looking on the internet I saw that they had Land of the Lost down at the Walmart Redbox. I am also so totally lying through my teeth. Adios Jesse see ya later sucka.

One scary moonless night at the circle K I was standing behind a very odd looking girl who looked like a Joan but maybe she used be John. You know the type. She was looking for something in her pockets, then her purse and back to her pockets. I'm thinking "is she looking for her credit card, money, keys, what. She had on a really short black spandex mini skirt and some kind of tube top thing. And she had huge flip flops on like size 15. That's why I was suspicious of her you know gender. Size 15 flip flops are a sure givaway. Anyway she is looking for something and she reaches under her skirt and pulls our 3 redbox movies. I am not making this up. She successfully returns her movies and leaves me standing there truly amazed not almost amazed but truly amazed. So when someone says "you don't know where those movies have been" Wait don't even go there I mean under there.

Sarah ran into a RBI who was trying to return a plastic shoebox full of DVDs at 8:55pm. He was trying to shove them in as fast as they would go. Of course there were 20 other RBI's behind him waiting to return their DVDs at 8:55 also. Everybody was cheering him on. He would put one movie in, the crowd become silent and wait until the words "Your DVD Has Been Returned Successfully" appeared then together they would cheer their hero on to the next DVD. This is why there wasn't anybody watching Westwood play football. There was more excitement at the WalMart Redbox.

My favorite RBI of all was the guy who was giving his brother a lesson on how to rent at redbox. After taking no less than 20 minutes to pick the movie it was time to "checkout". So he is explaining to his bro and it says "add to cart" he actually looks around behind him, clearly looking for his cart I'm sure. Next it's time to swipe his card. First he swipes it one way, it doesn't work. Turns it around (with the strip in his fingers) No luck. Stands on one foot. Nope His brother is becoming wise to the fact that his hermano is not an expert and grabs the card, crosses himself, while chanting some latin phrase and swipes the card. It makes a little happy sound, but now it asks for his email account which he puts in his phone number. Pretty soon his cell phone rings and I can actually hear a voice say "You are an Idiot". What's worse is that I have stood here behind these guys for like 20 minutes and I could have driven down to RBI heaven better known as Walmart where there are two machines. I have had it. I am so driving to Walmart. I get there and there are 15 RBI's standing by machine A. I am determined to get a movie so I go around to Machine B and as I round the corner I realize all my efforts are in vain. I am not renting a movie tonight because I can hear a familiar voice. "JESSE GET LAND OF THE LOST"


*Becky* said...

LOL oh thanks for the great laughs!! You are too funny which is why you need to blog more often!!

Kristen said...

COLLEEN!!!!! You are so totally hilarious! Your posts are so worth the wait. Ahhhhhhh. I'm gonna go read it again.

MJM said...

Funny! After 10 minutes I finally helped a drunk guy enter a fake email so that he could check out.

I am definitely going to bring hand sanitizer and give each dvd a rub down from now on.

Mandy said...

wow - having never rented from Red Box, I had no idea there is such drama! I think I'll continue putting movies on hold through the library, and waiting for them to let me know when they are ready to pick up.

I appreciate the laughs!

The Jones Fam said...

your so funny. I don't think I really want to watch any movie that bad if it has been down some man's skirt. That is sick. If he/she can afford a DVD player he/she can afford a plastic grocery bag to carry the DVD's back to the box.

lorie said...

Good times, Coleen, good times. Thanks for making me giggle. I'm thinking about a movie...maybe Land of the Lost.

Seneca said...

Oh my word. Sis. Coleman, I didn't know you had a blog, in fact I don't even know how I got here, but I am glad! You are too funny.