Sunday, November 15, 2009

Happiness in a Little Red Box

What could be more exciting than watching a first run blockbuster feature action movie? Is there anything as wonderful as the special effects of stars flying at you in Star Trek or semi trucks turning in to robots in Transformers. Is there? Yes there is.. I can name this awsomeness in 2 word (one if I hyphenate) Red-Box.
Redbox is more than just a DVD rental system. Redbox is how we can identify and define the intelligence of an entire neighborhood. All for just a buck.

You've heard of White Trash, Trailer Trash and in our neighborhood bicycle punks (and scooter thieves). The new plague of the neighborhood is RBI or Redbox Idiots.

The RBI have one common goal and that goal is to annoy anybody who is standing by, driving by or even thinking of renting from the Redbox.

One RBI's name was Jesse. How do I know this? Because this RBI's old lady was screaming from the minivan "Jesse get Land of the Lost" Jesse turns around and yells back "I'm loooking for it shut up" Jesse is reading every description of every movie and his old lady again yells "Jesse get Land of the Lost" He turns around and explains "I don't think it's out yet, I don't see it on the screen, shut up will you". Jesse continues to read out loud the descriptions and from the van we hear "Jesse get Land of the Lost". Me and the nine other people who are now behind Jesse in line yell back at Jesse's "lady" SHUT UP. Finally a RBI in line helps Jesse by explaining to him that just because the movie has a little picture on the side it doesn't mean it is in this particular redbox. Thank you because Jesse was never going to figure this one out. I helpfully explain that when I was looking on the internet I saw that they had Land of the Lost down at the Walmart Redbox. I am also so totally lying through my teeth. Adios Jesse see ya later sucka.

One scary moonless night at the circle K I was standing behind a very odd looking girl who looked like a Joan but maybe she used be John. You know the type. She was looking for something in her pockets, then her purse and back to her pockets. I'm thinking "is she looking for her credit card, money, keys, what. She had on a really short black spandex mini skirt and some kind of tube top thing. And she had huge flip flops on like size 15. That's why I was suspicious of her you know gender. Size 15 flip flops are a sure givaway. Anyway she is looking for something and she reaches under her skirt and pulls our 3 redbox movies. I am not making this up. She successfully returns her movies and leaves me standing there truly amazed not almost amazed but truly amazed. So when someone says "you don't know where those movies have been" Wait don't even go there I mean under there.

Sarah ran into a RBI who was trying to return a plastic shoebox full of DVDs at 8:55pm. He was trying to shove them in as fast as they would go. Of course there were 20 other RBI's behind him waiting to return their DVDs at 8:55 also. Everybody was cheering him on. He would put one movie in, the crowd become silent and wait until the words "Your DVD Has Been Returned Successfully" appeared then together they would cheer their hero on to the next DVD. This is why there wasn't anybody watching Westwood play football. There was more excitement at the WalMart Redbox.

My favorite RBI of all was the guy who was giving his brother a lesson on how to rent at redbox. After taking no less than 20 minutes to pick the movie it was time to "checkout". So he is explaining to his bro and it says "add to cart" he actually looks around behind him, clearly looking for his cart I'm sure. Next it's time to swipe his card. First he swipes it one way, it doesn't work. Turns it around (with the strip in his fingers) No luck. Stands on one foot. Nope His brother is becoming wise to the fact that his hermano is not an expert and grabs the card, crosses himself, while chanting some latin phrase and swipes the card. It makes a little happy sound, but now it asks for his email account which he puts in his phone number. Pretty soon his cell phone rings and I can actually hear a voice say "You are an Idiot". What's worse is that I have stood here behind these guys for like 20 minutes and I could have driven down to RBI heaven better known as Walmart where there are two machines. I have had it. I am so driving to Walmart. I get there and there are 15 RBI's standing by machine A. I am determined to get a movie so I go around to Machine B and as I round the corner I realize all my efforts are in vain. I am not renting a movie tonight because I can hear a familiar voice. "JESSE GET LAND OF THE LOST"

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Just get me to the Temple on Time

This week I was determined I was going to the temple. I dropped John off at Kids club and didn't even walk him in because I was going to the Temple. The first hurdle was to get around the crosswalk at the Light Rail station on Sycamore. With every blink of the Walk Don't Walk sign I kept thinking Getting to the temple, Getting to the temple, Getting to the temple. As I was repeating the mantra in my mind my car started to ease a little into the crosswalk. Hey isn't there a Dback afternoon game today? I wonder if I could get cheap tickets and Joe and I could take the Light Rail. That would be great. Getting to the temple STOP dang I almost hit the water for a dollar guy at the corner. I rolled down my window and said "Sorry mister I have important work to do at the temple". Now turning on to main street I became interested in the old Wendy's that is now a Burger King. Wow a Burger King! Hey I wonder if they closed the one over at Westwood plaza, I should go check it out I sure hate it when..... What am I thinking I am going to the Temple. I flip a U-ee and head once more to the temple. I have made it to Country club and as I go past Dairy Queen I think "Half Pepsi, Half Diet extra ice" mmmm that sounds so good. I would really like a drink about right now because I have time and I look over at Dairy Queen and I see Satan is working the drive through smiling at me standing next to the Hairy armed girl and he is winking at me. "Come to Dairy Queen, the drinks are cold, the ice cream creamy. My car swerves into the drive thru. I could really have it all drank before I get to the temple, if I drive slow,but then I will have to go to the restroom so maybe I won't go to the temple today because I am already in line. I say to myself "Are you four?" Back on track getting to the temple, getting to the temple. Driving down 1st avenue fast because nothing is going to keep me from getting to the temple. The light turns yellow at Macdonald and I run it. I can actually see the temple at the end of the street now. A popsicle cart attempts to cross in front of me at Mesa Drive. Sorry my friend stay on the sidewalk I will not be buying any Paletas from you today because I have got to get to the temple and if you step one foot in front of my car I might kill you in the attempt to get to the temple. I round the corner (on two wheels) into the parking lot. I am on a roll. Sweat pours from my face as I search and see that every space in the parking lot it filled. This is a sign. There are no spaces . I am not suppose to go to the temple today. I should have stopped at Dairy Queen and could be suckin down my ice cold 1/2 Pepsi right now. I cross the street to the church behind and park there. I'm already here I might as well go now. I slowly walk across the street. All the excitement to get to the temple now diminished. What was I thinking? Why was it so important today? I am thinking this as I walk slowly up the walk. I walk in the foyer the air is cool and it is quiet and it smells really good today. I realize that I have missed the 1:30 session and will now have to wait until the 2:00 session. I decide that I am here so I may as well go. After I have changed and I am waiting in the quiet room for the 2:00 session, I look at the name and information of the person I am going through for. It is Rachel Andersson from Sweden. Sweden! I sit and wait and think about my sweet daughter who is serving a mission in Sweden. I think about my son serving in England and remember the wonderful experience of coming to the temple with each of them. I wait for the 2:00 session and count my blessings. And I am not even finished counting them when it is time to go.

Monday, May 18, 2009

When in doubt just make it up

I have been writing to both of my children in England and now Sweden every week. With each letter I try to include a quote from a prophet or apostle or somebody who has better advice than me. This is suppose to inspire them to do better, and be a better person. I have searched high and low for great scriptures and quotes. I would like to share some of the better ones. Some of them I will have to explain their origin and when they can be used so they make sense. Oh and by the way I made most of these up so they are NOT inspired in any way.

Prayer, Fasting, and the Holy Ghost is BETTER than a valium.
(When Elisabeth was freaking out at the MTC before she went to Sweden)

These mashed potatoes are so creamy.--While you where sleeping
(When you can't find anything else to say but you need to be positive)

Those who are happy with Otter Pops should never be offered anything better
(When you are thinking of bringing something really yummy home to your kids)

If I had any more fun, it wouldn't be fun anymore.
(Time to go)

That child should be slapped first thing every morning. Because he will surely deserve it by the end of the day.
(What I said about other peoples kids before I had any)

It is time to make a new bow.
(When all other options are exhausted and you have to figure something else out)

She/He is as odd as an old shoe--Grandma Chapman
(Somebody really weird)

Who made you the big sheriff?--My Mother
(When somebody is really bossy)

Well excuuuuuse me for living Eunice
(From the Carol Burnett show of course)

I am so poor I can't even pay attention - My Mother

My shower was so small I had to go outside to change my mind - My Mother

Happy Jack Happy Jack
(What Daren tells me when he knows I am making up a story or song)

I have the Power of the Stinky Armpits! I Rule - John Coleman

Feel free to use any of these for the right occasion
P.S As I was reading the comments MaryJo wrote here favorite Grandma Chapman saying and it is so good it must be included:
Like an oogerbay on your ingerfay - My Mom
(When you can't get rid of someone)

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Drop the scooter now or the cow buys the farm

It's time to come back. I've been gone but now I am back. Now that I'm back I seem to have run out of stuff to say. Faked you out! I never run out of things to say. When I'm getting low on good stuff, I just make stuff up.

First we had an awsome open house for Liz. Thanks all for coming and for also bringing cookies. The leftovers were Fab and I am sporting some new arm flab to prove it.

I have two funny things that have happened since I last blogged. First: My two favorite valentines presents I got. Daren and Elisabeth got me Wii Fit. But in my case it looks like I've stepped on this Wii board and am throwing a fit. My Yoga tree keeps falling down, instead of saying OHM I yell Timber! It's not the same. I just found out that my computer generated super good looking (I think he is, his face is grayed out) stretchy shorts wearing trainer has a pony tail in the back. I like him anyway he makes me feel good about myself and when I could only do 2 Jacknife ab crunches he said "Your getting stronger I can tell". I just bet he could.
My other favorite valentine was a card I got from my most favorite 5th grade student in the reading class I work in. Her name is Karla and when I brought valentines for the kids she was quite upset she didn't have one for me. After school she brought me one and it is so cute I just had to scan it in so you all could see it.
If you can't see it very well she has scratched out "Lunch Lady" and put in Colman. She is just the sweetest little girl.

And this is an exciting story. You know for sure that when I tell a story I NEVER exaggerate or embellish or Helenize the story at all.
Sarah was home sick one day and I was eating a skinny cow ice cream sandwich in the family room. I saw this high school looking kid with an emo haircut walking up to my driveway. So I open the door and say "Can I help you with something?" The kid says "I'm looking for my friend Brandons house". So I shut the door and then as I am shutting the door I see emo haircut and friends now riding down my street on scooters. OUR SCOOTERS! I run outside and yell "Hey you stole our scooters" I am met with laughs and some hoots as well as hollars. Now I am mad! The skinny Cow slips out of my hand, breaking the tender cookie as it hits the ground. I am so mad now. I run after the scooter thieves yelling "bring those back their not yours" (like they didn't know) I am no match against the light speed of the razor scooter sailing down the street. I abandon the foot chase and rush in the house to grab the keys to jakes truck. I wanted to get my suburban with the PA system so I could yell at them and scare them but Jakes keys were handy. I zoom north in pursuit I see them hop the fence over to the golf course. "Oh no you did- unt I say to myself" I park the truck, leave the door open, and run through someone's backyard and HOP THE FENCE after them. Oh yes I di ud. Emo haircut and his two pals look back and imagine their surprise to find not so skinny cow mom running after them. I yell "where are the scooters" because they are running not scooting. Emo haircut #2 yells "we left them in the alley" I can't stop now because I'm kinda going down the ice blocking hill and I am still running after them. In the blink of an eye they disappear. So now I am running randomly on the golf course. When I get my feet back under me I re-hop the fence and see the scooters in the alley as promised. I grab all three scooters and put them in the back of the truck. When I return home victorious as the scooter saver Sarah is just standing there with a mixture of horror and disbelief. I explain to her that I have just rescued our scooters from the evil clutches of a band of razor scooter robbers. Sarah picks up the scooters looks on at the names on the bottom and reads aloud "John Wright, AJ Cummard and James Wright". They weren't even our scooters.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

So how is that mental illness working out for you?

The last 3 weekends we have spent at swim meets. Our 15 year old Daughter Sarah is a super fast swimmer. This year she was exceptionally speedy. She won a first place for 100 free, 2nd 50 free at the city meet. The next week she won first for 50 free and second for 100 free at the regional meet. The next weekend was the state meet where she finished 11th in 50 and 13th in 100. Sarah is a great swimmer because she is single minded when it comes to swimming. We choose to call this single minded instead of the clinical term OCD. During swimming she cannot think about anything but swimming. This is what makes her a great swimmer. She sees it in her head long before she ever dives in the water. This is just not a shameless bragfest about Sarah (if your mother doesn't brag on you who else will) it is where I saw the subject for my latest blog entry.
What is this guy holding? Why did he bring it to the state swim meet? Where is he going? What will he do there? What will he see there? I should have jumped off my concrete bleacher, totally discarded the fact that Daren was glaring at me for staring and asked him all these questions because now I am at a complete loss. All I can do now is wish for the strength to STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.

When my sister Elaine was little (many many years before I was born) my mother took her to the fabric store to pick out fabric for her easter dress. This was a big treat for her. (I am totally lying because going to the fabric store was the worst. It was worse than Aunt Cora's mothball cookies) There were so many cute fabrics to pick out. Florals as far as the eye could see in every combination of pastels. She however decided that her easter dress should be made out of a fabric with little brown monkeys as the primary theme. My mom was not "down" with this choice of fabric and told her that she may not have the little brown monkey fabric for her easter dress. A huge fit followed this announcement and probably a slapping also. Appropriate fabric for the dress was purchased but the matter was not laid to rest. Elaine could think of nothing else but the beauty of the little brown monkey fabric and she could not stop thinking about it. My mother now sick and tired (she was never just sick or tired she was always sick and tired) of her caterwauling told her STOP THINKING ABOUT LITTLE BROWN MONKEYS, THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE!
I am sure the yardstick was calling her name by now. Sadly Elaine could not think of anything but little brown monkeys. Elaine is single minded in her artistic talents. This is what makes her a great artist.

I had a similar experience with a pair of red patent leather shoes. (When I was little not like last week) Luckily Aunt Norma came shopping with us so instead of a slapping I got the red shoes to match my lilac easter dress. Score! They were so cute. I was so cute.

I'm now thinking that Sarah's extreme single mindedness apple may not have fallen so far from the tree. Today I saw sister Gileo at church. She is truly one of my favorite people in our ward. I always speak to her but today I was in a hurry to get to primary so I zipped down the hall. With every step I took my mind was screaming. "Should have talked to sister Gileo, I always speak to sister Gileo, Go back and say hi to sister Gileo!" So I turned around and made it back to the chapel and knelt by sister Gileo's wheelchair and looked her in her good eye and said "Sister Gileo, its me Colleen Chapman, I am so glad you made it today." She said "Oh there you are I saw you go by a minute ago. Colleen thanks for speaking to me. You are one of the people who makes it a point to always talk to me. I really appreciate you, and love you". Was this the single minded, OCD, can't think of anything else affliction that has plagued me and my family since the beginning of time? You bet! And thank heaven.

It's time for me to log off. I still must touch the microwave 14 times while hopping on one foot singing knick knack patty wak.

p.s. I have to finish it give a dog a bone. There! Done!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Thake a Pithure Lady

So I have a burning question.


I had to go to DI today and there was a girl there working at the checkout and she had all these little pieces of masking tape on her arm. I just maybe thought that she was making little tape loops for a later Laurel lesson or something like that. I was so curious that I said "are you planning to mask something off later? Whats with the tape on your arm?" She started to say (I think this is what she was trying to say) " *I sneezed too clubbing up my thug om my ham". Wow mystery solved she was working at DI because she was sneezing too much had gone out to a club of some kind and now had a speech impediment because a thug did something inappropriate to her ham. Had any of the other workers had any problems with any of their hams? My mind was a flurry. How could I extract myself from the checkout gracefully without catching this sneezing clubbing thing. I was now staring boldly and not speaking because I tried talking and thinking at the same time once and it didn't work out too well so now I can talk or think but not really do both at the same time. She started picking at one of the pieces of tape and scratching it and what do my wandering eyes should appear but a miniature earing lodged in her arm not her ear. I WAS ALMOST AMAZED! She had her arm pierced. Three little studs lined up like little stars on thars. "How did you get those in?" I replied to loudly for the hushed environment of DI. ** "Ab thirst it hurled rail bed" She told me with real pain in her voice. *** "Dow day art hurling dust hissy" We were interrupted by the girl working at the next cashier who whispered to her friend "Megan you better cover those studs in your arm before Dave sees them". So she covers the the studs in her arm with the tape and smiles at me. She smiles a big toothy grin and peaking from between her teeth is a huge tongue ring. I start to ask her if it hurts but I resist and pull myself away. I must get going I need to get to Walmart where I see a guy and all I can think about is a song "Do your ears hang low do they wobble to and fro, can you tie them in a knot can you tie them in a bow. I didn't have any questions for him. Too Scary.

* I needed to cover up the studs on my arm
** At first it hurt really bad
*** Now they aren't hurting they are just itching

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Where will she go

So Elisabeth's papers or electronic information has been sent to a higher level. Where will she go. Please make a stateside guess and a foreign guess. I will make the winner a pie. And I know I still owe Alysha a pie.